"Comedy is tragedy plus time." ~Carol Burnett
“Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?” ~Lily Tomlin
"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid." ~Rita Rudner
"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." ~Gilda Radner
"If somebody makes me laugh, I'm his slave for life." ~Bette Midler
"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."
~Rita Rudner
"Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers." ~Mary Tyler Moore
"In your 20's you dress to impress men. In your 40's you dress for business. In your 80's you dress for the bathroom." ~Betty White
"Normal is in the eye of the beholder." ~Whoopi Goldberg
"Personal beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of reference." ~Fanny Brice
"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core." ~Phyllis Diller
"I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it." ~Sarah Silverman
"My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said 'Just wait.'" ~Judy Tenuda