"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam." ~George Carlin
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
"Live Life Backwards"
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
"Ode to Getting Old"
Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the dead Though I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head.
I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned. I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind.
For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs, If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there.
And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt. Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out.
I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned. I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned.
And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head. I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed?
Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot. I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not.
So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting sore It may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more.
Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very red Instead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.
A few hit songs of the 60s and 70s are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits: Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr: I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash: I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon: Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Commodores: Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye: I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts
Procol Harem: A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
"Live Life Backwards"
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
"Ode to Getting Old"
Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the dead Though I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head.
I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned. I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind.
For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs, If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there.
And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt. Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out.
I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned. I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned.
And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head. I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed?
Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot. I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not.
So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting sore It may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more.
Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very red Instead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.
A few hit songs of the 60s and 70s are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits: Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr: I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash: I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon: Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Commodores: Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye: I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts
Procol Harem: A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping
